April 23, July 06, Sep 06,
These have been days, days in a count down that has curved my very existence over the last year(not the most significant) .as Sep 06, arrived, I awoke early and was in the car headed to Sydney. Arriving at its gates an ready to go, packed and on time.
However this was not a flight I would be taking.
(Apart from the feeling of letting my Vancouver Family down, my Aunty had really stepped up for me and given me the chance and opportunity I yearned for. That and I could Feel my mother needing me)
So I continue driving, I continue driving home. & home safe I arrive. Yet it’s not all I’m glad to see you at all.
It’s cover emotions of Sad, Anger, Hurt n scared and suddenly emotion is triggered and things that you said you would never do or say are there. Scared. And even though I feel i have endured over the last year. I can’t help but feel the cracks widen and the wounds Deepen. Words are said, that trigger past and Bring fwd to the present, I spend all day yearning to tell her I’m ready to work, to help, to do it her way. But the opportunity never arrives, it’s always a near miss. & a bullseye on an Allready sensitive emoticon. I tell myself “she’s in a lot of pain, she loves me, she’s just scared.” I repeat & hold back the tears.
Where not even at the hard part yet…
Yesterday we saw a new doctor for mum and was informed that we need to go to the hospital sooner rather than later, Today the calls came and tomorrow we go to the hospital for just one of many.
I love you mum